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Freen Hamplestammer

Freen Hamplestammer has a mission in life to sell, promote and perpetually extol the virtues of felt. You haven’t got felt until you get felt by Freen. Other people sell felt, but do you know what’s in it? Poison. Deadly, deadly poison. With the slightest provocation, he'll proudly deliver a lecture on the long and storied history of his favourite fabric, containing many surprising and fascinating facts about felt, most of which were almost certainly made up as he went along.

Freen's family has made and sold felt for generations, but Freen regrets that his brother, Nozzleford, left the family business after being blinded in a tragic "felt-brining" accident. Nozzleford now runs the general store in the town of Pluckmuckel.

Freen claims that he nearly became a superstar in the fabric world, selling thousands of felt tents to the military, but his biggest sale ever was ruined when it rained and the soggy tents collapsed on their inhabitants, trapping them in wet felt, where they were helplessly dispatched by the enemy. These days, Freen travels the world on foot, selling felt to anyone he meets (mostly hobos, apparently), referring to his business as "Felt by Freen".